Darts descriptions…about as predictable as a wasp on speed!

There aren’t many commentators who can transcend their sport, who become known and revered at large beyond the confines of their boundaries.

The late-lamented Sid Waddell was one such commentator; a Geordie whose mellifluous tones combined a fierce intellect (he graduated from Cambridge with a degree in Modern History) with a razor sharp wit that saw him become more popular than most of the darts players he covered.

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….[a man who] looked like he’d punched his way through the windows of Ratners with glue on his fists.

-Sid Waddell on Bobby George

There are numerous lists of Waddell’s quotes available on the internet, but what interests me is what sets him apart from other commentators with his descriptions.

Is it possible to break down and analyse the genius of Waddell?

Taking the Mickey…

Waddell would frequently (but always light-heartedly) send up the darts throwers ‘unique’ physique…

Big Cliff Lazarenko’s idea of exercise is sitting in a room with the windows open taking the lid off something cool and fizzy.

He may practice 12 hours a day, but he’s not shy of the burger van!

Food fetishes

To start with, this is a relatively easy structure to break down – simply apply an adjective to a type of food…the more incongruous the better:

He’s as cool as a prized marrow!

He is as slick as minestrone soup.

Animal magic

Ah, now this is where Waddell’s flights of fancy start to excel themselves! Whilst his food-related descriptions were relatively sanguine, animals were one of his favourite visual metaphors and he often went to town on them.

Let’s start off with a simple one – take an animal (or insect’s) characteristic, exaggerate it for comic effect, and compare it to a human.

He’s about as predictable as a wasp on speed.

The more specific the creature and the comparison, the more visual the image becomes:

His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch.

And, finally you build up to one my personal favourites, for its sheer out-of-this-worldness…a description which practically forces you to paint a picture in your head…go on, I bet you can’t resist!

Eyes like a pterodactyl….with contact lenses.

Historically speaking

As noted in the introduction, Waddell studied History, so always had a good grasp of historical characters, which could lend his observations a sense of gravity and occasion, as well as making them visually memorable:

John Lowe is striding out like Alexander the Great conquering the Persians.

However, gravity wasn’t always called for – in fact levity, along with a nod to popular culture (There’s a guy works down the chip shop swears he’s Elvis), produced one of Waddell’s most-loved quotes:

The atmosphere is so tense, if Elvis walked in, with a portion of chips… you could hear the vinegar sizzle on them.

And, when it was called for, Waddell wasn’t averse to a bad pun or two in relations to a historical figure, be they real or literary:

Keith Deller is like Long John Silver – he’s badly in need of another leg.

Film Buff

Taking the popular culture allusions one stage further, one of Waddell’s tricks was to imagine a notable scene or motif from a film and then apply it to a particular darts player or darts scenario:

Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld.

(*) In 1995, Waterworld cost $225m to become the then most expensive film of all-time.

In terms of building up tension, describing an epic scene works well, as the audience doesn’t have make a leap of imagination – it’s all laid out there before them:

Tarantino re-writing Gunfight at the OK Corral couldn’t have done any better than this.

Twisting a saying

For comic effect, if a suitable analogy doesn’t exist, just crowbar one in yourself – that’s what Sid would do!

Keith Deller’s not just an underdog, he’s an underpuppy!

Again, animals figure prominently here, as Waddell mixes and matches to his heart’s content:

Well as giraffes say, you don’t get no leaves unless you stick your neck out.

And finally, if in doubt, just invent a new word!

The players are under so much duress, it’s like duressic park out there!

Colemanballs

Colemanballs was a term coined by Private Eye magazine to describe ‘balls ups’ (i.e. verbal gaffes) perpetrated by sports commentators. It originally referred to the former BBC broadcaster David Coleman, but has become a generic term attributable to any commentator.

In the heat of the moment, it proves that anybody can talk absolute rubbish…even Waddell:

There’s only one word for that – magic darts!

His face is sagging with tension.

The fans now, with their eyes pierced on the dart board.

He’s been burning the midnight oil at both ends.

He’s got one foot in the frying pan and one on thin ice.

Conclusion

So in conclusion, yes, there is a structure to Waddell’s ‘one-off’s‘, but the leaps of imagination and flights of fancy are fairly unique!

To end with, probably one of my favourite Waddell quotes of all time. I’m not quite sure why – maybe because it shows off how well-read Waddell was, maybe because it’s so beautifully constructed…but whatever it is

When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer… Bristow’s only 27.

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